Last Time I Cried

            When I was young, I thought that crying was something that only weak people do. In the elementary school, for example, fights between boys always ended up with crying of weaker sides, and the stronger ones never cried. Girls who were watching horror movie – they always cried out of fear. Or those who were severely scolded by teachers always burst their tears at the end. Certainly, crying was a sign of weakness. Crying was surely a sign of humiliation and shame. That’s perhaps why I thought I must not cry before others.

             Until my high school life, I thought so.

             It was when I was junior at high school. As all know, a high school junior year is perhaps one of the most challenging times in one’s childhood life. I was no exception. Bombarded with enormous amount of workloads and assignments, I struggled to manage the tasks given to me. Teachers wanted me to maintain good grades and test scores, so I had to complete my presentation and team project for literature class, work on my term paper for history class, and finish my research project for Physics thesis. At the same time, seniors wanted me to actively join debate practice sessions and student press activities, which made me really hard to manage my schedule as a whole. Upcoming concerns for college admission which my friends just started to talk about also disturbed me. Above all, with all of these workloads, too much for seventeen-year old, combined, I couldn’t find what I should do and where I can complain about this.

             So I just cried. Of course, I didn't cry in front of my roommates, because I knew that crying was a sign of weakness, and I didn’t want to show my weak side to my roommates. I went to the bathroom, crouched on the toilet, and then, burst my tears. Perhaps it was a cry out of my stress, or so-called, high-school life pressure. There was no person to rely on in the dormitory; I couldn’t go back to my parents for months. Feeling loneliness, I wept for a while, then. I thought, nobody would hear my crying.

             After that, I came out of bathroom, and sat in front of my desk. I returned to my assignments, as if nothing had happened in the bathroom. But this time, my roommate came to me, as if he knew everything, and then quietly hugged me. I couldn’t bear the emotion coming out from my heart again. Perhaps he might have heard my weeping in the bathroom, I thought. But that wasn’t the point. The fact that my roommate was sympathizing with my tear - it did matter. And it was one precious cuddle that changed my viewpoints.

             Now I don’t think crying is a sign of weakness or shame. Crying makes people sympathize each other, or even, connect them. My junior year was full of new challenges, stresses, and pressure. I think that’s the same for all. But I don’t think it’s wise to endure them alone. For me, crying was a secret outlet to express my pressure, but at the same time, made me realize the value of those who’re around me. 

Reading Journal on Outlier

Reading Journal on Outlier

Outlier: the Story of Success is a book written by Malcolm Gladwell, which deals with the factors that enabled ones' success. In the first chapter, the author insists the importance of environmental and background factor for success; the example he gives is the composition of Canadian hockey league. He says that in the hockey league, the number of players who were born in January, February, and March was significantly more than that of those who were born in other months, and that of those who were born in November and December the least. This seem to be a coincidence at first glance, but the author says that there exists a certain reason why those who were born in early months do much better than others, because the accumulation of advantages becomes more significant as time goes. 

 

For me, it wasn't so easy to accept his thought that the accumulation of environmental factors are very important to make a success. And I think that to make a success, the combination of environmental and inherent factors are needed: it means, both environmental and inherent factors within a person are essential. 

I cannot deny the fact that in even KMLA, the number of those who were born in early months (March, April, May) is larger than that of those who were born in September or November. But it is not all; those who do not work hard, even though they were born in early months, cannot survive from the competition with those who work harder. 

Commissioned Essay #1

Nobody is allowed to start the race five seconds earlier or ten meters ahead; starting line is always same for all. It is, for me, too. In each of four lanes, each player is having their own diving posture. They are all waiting for the start, and a cold silence fills the entire stadium until the race begins. Tic Toc. I now grab my ankles with my hands, but still stares at the front. Then I take a deep breath, waiting for the last moment right before the race begins.

“Three….two…..one…..Go!”

When the whistle sound splits my ear and I dive into the water, I suddenly become alone. Stretching my arms and splashing water with my two legs, I find myself just moving forward, not even recognizing what’s ahead of me. Five seconds pass. At this moment, I usually feel that the water of swimming pool is freezing cold, and fifty meter is not a short distance for an amateur swimmer. In the middle of the lane, I become extremely afraid of what’s going on. Where am I? How long should I go further? Ten seconds pass, but still the turning point does not seem to appear.

The reason why swimming race competition is challenging is that I couldn’t help but thinking somebody in another lane will move much faster than me. I know I’m never faster than other semi-pro swimmer friends, who’ve already mastered all techniques of swimming and experienced regional competitions, but the cold water knows no mercy for me as well until the end of the race. During the race, it’s impossible to watch others swimming, so that I can’t know how far they are right now. Maybe some of them would’ve already completed their races, right?

‘What am I doing here? Why am I competing with these semi-pro swimmers? If I give up here, I can have a rest, can’t I?’

These frustrating thoughts dominate my weakening consciousness. And always, at that moment, somehow, I eventually get to the turning point.

‘I’ve already come twenty-five meters! Only twenty-five meters are left!’

Then, surprisingly, my eyes are always widely open when I’m at the half point of the entire race. I always realize that what remain for me are not strong muscles, physical stamina, nor better agility – I seriously lacked these qualities. But what only remained was my ability not to give up. It was a strong will power to make a last spurt when I felt I was left behind from others. That made me never give up any races I’ve joined since I entered the varsity swimming club in the freshmen year; though I was not a great swimmer, the inexplicable power of last spurt enabled me to complete my own race, always.

In reminiscence, this inexplicable will has led me here so far. That’s why I could enjoy all the learning and activities I’ve joined at KMLA without giving them up, no matter how challenging and demanding they are. Debate club activity was certainly one of them, in that I was never a good debater when I first entered the club. Unlike many other students who’ve at least once studied abroad before, English was an enormous challenge for me. Some even said that it would be a miracle if I survive in the most competitive society of national debate champions. Of course, I was crushed by seniors and peers, but at the end, I never gave up. Some inexplicable will from my heart motivated me to keep trying and keep practicing until I get better, whatever the starting line was.

Even though I became a senior, I cannot say I’m better swimmer or greater debater than others. Some freshmen swimmers and rookie debaters are even much better than me. But it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that there still remains a lot of room for improvement in front of me, no matter who races in the next lane, no matter how fast they are. Although there must be some obstacles, I’m sure I will never give up. The will to continue my race still dominates and motivates me. Of course, my race is not over yet.